"Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex. Your workmanship is marvelous- how well I know it." ~Psalm 139:14
Have you ever found yourself fighting a battle that you knew for sure you had already won, but this time the battle is on a larger scale than the last time you fought it? Well, that is exactly where I am right now.
My battle? Insecurities!
Yep, I am fighting a host of insecurities right now. Quite frankly, I feel like somehow, I don't quite add up to being good enough. In recent weeks I have had to question whether or not I am a good enough mother, daughter (to both my Heavenly Father and my natural parents), friend, employee, sister and now wife. Isn't it funny how just a few words (or silence) from someone that you love make you feel so small that you wish you could crawl under a rock or do something so extravagant that nobody can deny your worth? I mean I have gone years without these feelings, and then, all of a sudden they came flooding back in like the rush of the waves traveling across the Caribbean Sea.
Today, I spent the day begging (yes, begging) God to take these feelings away. I hate comparing myself to others. When I do this I find myself dwelling on thoughts about who I see as smarter than me, who's prettier than me, who's more successful than I am, and the list goes on and on. Don't get me wrong, I know all the great things about me that make me uniquely me and one of a kind, but sometimes isn't it hard to fight against the need for people see it, especially those, that in your mind, you need to see your worth?
As always, I searched within myself to find what I needed to see that left some kind of residue on my heart to make me feel this way. I find that it is always best to visit my past for a moment to see what was planted long ago and watered over time to produce large trees with many painful vines that block me from escaping the dark places in my heart. Instead, the vast number of plants that have grown into huge trees are so numerous they keep me trapped in a jungle of scars and caught in an invisible web of hurt that I wasn't even aware was still there.
As I was thinking on this I remembered something that I told someone a while ago. The enemy, though not superior to God, is very wise in all of his ways. He is the one who plants seeds of doubt and darkness in our hearts when we are not even old enough or spiritually mature enough to know what's happening. Over time, he sends people, words and events into our lives to feed the lies that he planted in our hearts long ago. By the time we are old enough or mature enough to understand what has happened, we are so familiar with his lies that those lies become our truths and a part of our own view of ourselves. When you have believed a lie for so long, it's hard to know what the truth is.
After allowing myself to think back on the things that produced these insecurities within my heart, I decided to make a playlist in iTunes that encouraged my heart and spirit. I stepped away from the busyness of the thoughts floating around in my head and enjoyed smiling at myself; embracing each thing about me that is beautiful, loving, pure and simply delightful.
How could we ever think that we are anything less than what God says about us? Listen, don't let the enemy beat you down with his lies about you or even by reminding you of the truth of your past. What I have learned is that every single thing God allowed had purpose and grew us into the people He always wanted us to be. God has a habit of turning what was an ugly duckling into a beautiful swan.
Remember this: out of the ashes left over from the burning fires of our lives, God creates something beautiful. The very things that made you ashamed, caused you great pain and heartaches will be the very things God uses to build your character and cause others to see how very special you are.
In the end, do you want to see yourself through the judgmental eye of mankind or would you rather stare into the loving gaze of the Most High?
As I reflect on the last line I just typed, I am listening to Jonathan Reynolds' Loving Me.
I am reminded right now that even when no one else finds me worthy or good enough, God still loves me and finds worth in me. And He is the One who knows every single thing about me, yet He keeps loving me.
God never compares us to anyone else. He never says anything to us that will make us feel inferior to another. Instead, He always lets us know just how special we are to Him (Isaiah 43:4). God never condemns us, so don't let your thoughts about yourself or the thoughts of others about you condemn you either (Romans 8:1). God accepts us and will never throw us away even when others no longer have use for us (John 6:37). Finally, if nothing else helps you to know just how worthy God finds you to be remember that He gave up His Son just to prove to you just how much He loves you (Romans 8:32).
When feelings of doubt about your worth try to creep into your mind, listen instead to the soft whisper of God saying to you, "You are light, you are love and are loved, you are beautiful, you are smart, you are kind, you are everything I created you to be, you have everything you need to bring Me glory, and you are more than good enough because you are mine!!!"
Have you ever found yourself fighting a battle that you knew for sure you had already won, but this time the battle is on a larger scale than the last time you fought it? Well, that is exactly where I am right now.
My battle? Insecurities!
Yep, I am fighting a host of insecurities right now. Quite frankly, I feel like somehow, I don't quite add up to being good enough. In recent weeks I have had to question whether or not I am a good enough mother, daughter (to both my Heavenly Father and my natural parents), friend, employee, sister and now wife. Isn't it funny how just a few words (or silence) from someone that you love make you feel so small that you wish you could crawl under a rock or do something so extravagant that nobody can deny your worth? I mean I have gone years without these feelings, and then, all of a sudden they came flooding back in like the rush of the waves traveling across the Caribbean Sea.
Today, I spent the day begging (yes, begging) God to take these feelings away. I hate comparing myself to others. When I do this I find myself dwelling on thoughts about who I see as smarter than me, who's prettier than me, who's more successful than I am, and the list goes on and on. Don't get me wrong, I know all the great things about me that make me uniquely me and one of a kind, but sometimes isn't it hard to fight against the need for people see it, especially those, that in your mind, you need to see your worth?
As always, I searched within myself to find what I needed to see that left some kind of residue on my heart to make me feel this way. I find that it is always best to visit my past for a moment to see what was planted long ago and watered over time to produce large trees with many painful vines that block me from escaping the dark places in my heart. Instead, the vast number of plants that have grown into huge trees are so numerous they keep me trapped in a jungle of scars and caught in an invisible web of hurt that I wasn't even aware was still there.
As I was thinking on this I remembered something that I told someone a while ago. The enemy, though not superior to God, is very wise in all of his ways. He is the one who plants seeds of doubt and darkness in our hearts when we are not even old enough or spiritually mature enough to know what's happening. Over time, he sends people, words and events into our lives to feed the lies that he planted in our hearts long ago. By the time we are old enough or mature enough to understand what has happened, we are so familiar with his lies that those lies become our truths and a part of our own view of ourselves. When you have believed a lie for so long, it's hard to know what the truth is.
After allowing myself to think back on the things that produced these insecurities within my heart, I decided to make a playlist in iTunes that encouraged my heart and spirit. I stepped away from the busyness of the thoughts floating around in my head and enjoyed smiling at myself; embracing each thing about me that is beautiful, loving, pure and simply delightful.
How could we ever think that we are anything less than what God says about us? Listen, don't let the enemy beat you down with his lies about you or even by reminding you of the truth of your past. What I have learned is that every single thing God allowed had purpose and grew us into the people He always wanted us to be. God has a habit of turning what was an ugly duckling into a beautiful swan.
Remember this: out of the ashes left over from the burning fires of our lives, God creates something beautiful. The very things that made you ashamed, caused you great pain and heartaches will be the very things God uses to build your character and cause others to see how very special you are.
In the end, do you want to see yourself through the judgmental eye of mankind or would you rather stare into the loving gaze of the Most High?
As I reflect on the last line I just typed, I am listening to Jonathan Reynolds' Loving Me.
I am reminded right now that even when no one else finds me worthy or good enough, God still loves me and finds worth in me. And He is the One who knows every single thing about me, yet He keeps loving me.
God never compares us to anyone else. He never says anything to us that will make us feel inferior to another. Instead, He always lets us know just how special we are to Him (Isaiah 43:4). God never condemns us, so don't let your thoughts about yourself or the thoughts of others about you condemn you either (Romans 8:1). God accepts us and will never throw us away even when others no longer have use for us (John 6:37). Finally, if nothing else helps you to know just how worthy God finds you to be remember that He gave up His Son just to prove to you just how much He loves you (Romans 8:32).
When feelings of doubt about your worth try to creep into your mind, listen instead to the soft whisper of God saying to you, "You are light, you are love and are loved, you are beautiful, you are smart, you are kind, you are everything I created you to be, you have everything you need to bring Me glory, and you are more than good enough because you are mine!!!"