"The man who finds a wife finds treasure, and receives favor from the Lord" ~Proverbs 18:22
In this day and time, with so many people single and hoping to be married, it's really hard to determine the rules of engagement for relationships between men and women. In a world where women propose to men and are sometimes the dominant pursuers in relationships, I pondered over whether or not women should be the ones to pursue men. I also wondered what men think about it.
I took a poll of seven men of different ages, backgrounds and spirituality. The question I asked was: Do men feel that they should be the ones to pursue women, or do they want women to pursue them? The answers were somewhat right on point with what I thought they would be based on the men surveyed. With the exception of one, all of the men felt it was the man's place to pursue the woman.
I thought about these answers and compared them with my belief on who should pursue whom. Simply put, I believe that it is the man who should intentionally pursue a woman if he's interested, and the woman actively responds if she's interested.
This is not always the way I did things. If I saw someone I was interested in, I felt it was my right as a liberated woman to approach whomever I wanted if that's what I wanted to do. However, once I became a liberated woman in Christ my views on this subject changed. I thought about all that I had given in past relationships and the fact that in most of those relationships I was the leader. None of those relationships yielded the result of marriage. I believe the fact that I pursued those men and was the leader in those relationships is exactly why they didn't produce the results I hoped for. Added to that, those men probably never spent one day in prayer seeking guidance from God in regard to me, and I didn't seek God in regard to them.
So, I now rest peacefully in the position I take: wait to be actively and intentionally pursued by a man.
I have removed myself from the dating world. Instead I have entered into the world of courtship. There is a huge difference. Dating is being in a relationship where two people may come to the conclusion that one day they would like to get married to each other, while courtship is when two people are intentional in seeking God's will about marrying each other.
In courtship, a man begins to step into his role as the leader of the woman who will one day become his wife, while the woman is actively stepping into her role as help mate and the one who submits (Ephesians 5:22) to the man who will one day become her husband. One of the responses that I got from one of the men I surveyed, who is married and super strong in his relationship with Christ, was huge to me. He said "In my pursuit of my bride, I was nurturing her to be my wife." All I could say was wow! I understood him to be saying that as he was pursuing his wife, he was being very intentional in his efforts to one day make her his wife. He intentionally pursued her, and she, in turn, actively responded to his pursuit of her.
I also surveyed one of my uncles who has been married to my aunt for almost 50 years, and this is what he had to say: "Just as we can't stay home all day doing nothing and still expect a paycheck from our employer, a man should not expect to win the hand of a woman in marriage without working for it in his pursuit of her." That was another powerful response.
I think that in our desperation, single women have let go of the inner desire of being intentionally pursued by a man because we got tired of being lonely. Here's the thing, we feel the desire to be actively and intentionally pursued by a man because that is what was placed in us since the beginning of time. When God made Eve He did so because He felt that Adam needed her. So God made Eve from Adam, then He presented Eve to Adam (Genesis 2:22). Woman was God's first blessing to man, so from the very first woman sparked the need in a woman to be a blessing to the man to whom God would present her. Eve didn't go looking for Adam, God made her for him and pointed her out to him.
I believe that so often our concept of marriage is that when we say 'I Do', we automatically fall in line with the roles set for us as husband and as wife. That is not truth. The truth of the matter is, we must first understand our roles as men and women in Christ before we can understand our roles in a marriage. When a man decides to intentionally pursue a woman he is interested in (and she has responded positively to that interest), he is essentially exhibiting his role as the leader of that relationship and eventually the leader of their marriage. I firmly believe that a husband is head of his wife (Ephesians 5:23). Don't gripe and moan when you read that statement either ladies, especially if you are a woman striving to live according to the word of God. Seriously, God designed man for the role of leadership in a marriage, and if the man is a man who is being led solely by God's presence in his life, he will be a man you can trust and submit to with no reservations or hesitancy.
Here's some food for thought: If a man can't intentionally pursue you in a courtship, then will he honestly know how to lead in a marriage? Conversely, if a woman who is in a courtship with a man does not actively respond to the leadership he exhibits in that courtship, will she honestly respond to and respect his leadership in a marriage? Think on that for a moment.
I'll dive in a little further to drive home my thoughts about why it is that a man should be the one to pursue a woman. The relationship between a husband and wife is compared to Christ's relationship to the church. Through Christ's death, He made us holy and clean by his obedience to fulfill God's word. Thus, making new our relationship with God by restoring and strengthening us daily through His love for us.
In a man's intentional pursuit of a woman to be his wife, he should be like Christ in that in his intentional pursuit of her he is leading her more and more and deeper and deeper into the things of God; therefore, strengthening her, and in certain areas of her life restoring her back to her first love, which is God. In a man's leadership of a woman, during his pursuit of her, he is also, as my friend stated, nurturing her to be the Godly wife for him, just as Christ did all that He did to prepare the church to be ready for Him (Ephesians 5:27).
I'd like to bring attention to the fact that I repeated the word intentional in this post in regard to a man's pursuit of a woman. Far too often, ladies, we enter into relationships giving everything we have to a man in hopes that he will see the great qualities about us without him EVER stating his intentions towards us. Jesus intentionally laid down His life in His pursuit of us. Every single action He put forth was proof of His love for us and how seriously passionate that love is. Don't be blinded by loneliness! The man that gets you should be the man who has sought God's permission to find your heart. Keep allowing God to mold you into a Proverbs 31 kind of wife until that man comes so that you will be ready to follow his lead and trust his guidance.
I'd like to take a brief pause to share my new thoughts on love and relationship: If a man is not intentionally pursuing me to lead me more and more to Christ and nurture me to be his wife, then he doesn't need my number, and we don't need to go out because I don't need anymore male friends. I am waiting on the man who has sought God for a wife to be my husband.
Men, Godly women understand that in order for you to pursue us, we have to show that we are willing to respond to your leadership. We also know that you want to be wanted by us. Know that if a woman is responding positively and absolutely to your active and consistent pursuit of her, she has chosen to seek God about letting you be the man to lead and guide her in life. Don't let her get away because you refuse to clearly understand the importance of your pursuit of her. If you are truly not ready to actively pursue a Godly woman, then don't initiate a relationship at all.
Trust me, this single life is a daily processing of thoughts as they relate to love, relationships and what God wants out of me while I am in this place. While it does sometimes get lonely and seem that 'single' will always be my status, I refuse to be swayed from my mindset about being actively pursued by a man. God pursues me every day in ways that challenge me, in ways that lead me closer to Him, in ways that nurture me, in ways that show He is in love with me and in ways that make me fall more in love with Him.
Because of God's intentional pursuit of me, I truly have no other way to respond but by submitting to Him, trusting Him, following His guidance and being in love with Him. I realize that if the God of the universe pursues me, I am worthy of a man doing the same. I know that as a Godly man pursues me, I will respond in a way that all of his efforts deserve. Until then I'll stand still and be more than satisfied with the Ultimate pursuit of me. God's pursuit of me.
I took a poll of seven men of different ages, backgrounds and spirituality. The question I asked was: Do men feel that they should be the ones to pursue women, or do they want women to pursue them? The answers were somewhat right on point with what I thought they would be based on the men surveyed. With the exception of one, all of the men felt it was the man's place to pursue the woman.
I thought about these answers and compared them with my belief on who should pursue whom. Simply put, I believe that it is the man who should intentionally pursue a woman if he's interested, and the woman actively responds if she's interested.
This is not always the way I did things. If I saw someone I was interested in, I felt it was my right as a liberated woman to approach whomever I wanted if that's what I wanted to do. However, once I became a liberated woman in Christ my views on this subject changed. I thought about all that I had given in past relationships and the fact that in most of those relationships I was the leader. None of those relationships yielded the result of marriage. I believe the fact that I pursued those men and was the leader in those relationships is exactly why they didn't produce the results I hoped for. Added to that, those men probably never spent one day in prayer seeking guidance from God in regard to me, and I didn't seek God in regard to them.
So, I now rest peacefully in the position I take: wait to be actively and intentionally pursued by a man.
I have removed myself from the dating world. Instead I have entered into the world of courtship. There is a huge difference. Dating is being in a relationship where two people may come to the conclusion that one day they would like to get married to each other, while courtship is when two people are intentional in seeking God's will about marrying each other.
In courtship, a man begins to step into his role as the leader of the woman who will one day become his wife, while the woman is actively stepping into her role as help mate and the one who submits (Ephesians 5:22) to the man who will one day become her husband. One of the responses that I got from one of the men I surveyed, who is married and super strong in his relationship with Christ, was huge to me. He said "In my pursuit of my bride, I was nurturing her to be my wife." All I could say was wow! I understood him to be saying that as he was pursuing his wife, he was being very intentional in his efforts to one day make her his wife. He intentionally pursued her, and she, in turn, actively responded to his pursuit of her.
I also surveyed one of my uncles who has been married to my aunt for almost 50 years, and this is what he had to say: "Just as we can't stay home all day doing nothing and still expect a paycheck from our employer, a man should not expect to win the hand of a woman in marriage without working for it in his pursuit of her." That was another powerful response.
I think that in our desperation, single women have let go of the inner desire of being intentionally pursued by a man because we got tired of being lonely. Here's the thing, we feel the desire to be actively and intentionally pursued by a man because that is what was placed in us since the beginning of time. When God made Eve He did so because He felt that Adam needed her. So God made Eve from Adam, then He presented Eve to Adam (Genesis 2:22). Woman was God's first blessing to man, so from the very first woman sparked the need in a woman to be a blessing to the man to whom God would present her. Eve didn't go looking for Adam, God made her for him and pointed her out to him.
I believe that so often our concept of marriage is that when we say 'I Do', we automatically fall in line with the roles set for us as husband and as wife. That is not truth. The truth of the matter is, we must first understand our roles as men and women in Christ before we can understand our roles in a marriage. When a man decides to intentionally pursue a woman he is interested in (and she has responded positively to that interest), he is essentially exhibiting his role as the leader of that relationship and eventually the leader of their marriage. I firmly believe that a husband is head of his wife (Ephesians 5:23). Don't gripe and moan when you read that statement either ladies, especially if you are a woman striving to live according to the word of God. Seriously, God designed man for the role of leadership in a marriage, and if the man is a man who is being led solely by God's presence in his life, he will be a man you can trust and submit to with no reservations or hesitancy.
Here's some food for thought: If a man can't intentionally pursue you in a courtship, then will he honestly know how to lead in a marriage? Conversely, if a woman who is in a courtship with a man does not actively respond to the leadership he exhibits in that courtship, will she honestly respond to and respect his leadership in a marriage? Think on that for a moment.
I'll dive in a little further to drive home my thoughts about why it is that a man should be the one to pursue a woman. The relationship between a husband and wife is compared to Christ's relationship to the church. Through Christ's death, He made us holy and clean by his obedience to fulfill God's word. Thus, making new our relationship with God by restoring and strengthening us daily through His love for us.
In a man's intentional pursuit of a woman to be his wife, he should be like Christ in that in his intentional pursuit of her he is leading her more and more and deeper and deeper into the things of God; therefore, strengthening her, and in certain areas of her life restoring her back to her first love, which is God. In a man's leadership of a woman, during his pursuit of her, he is also, as my friend stated, nurturing her to be the Godly wife for him, just as Christ did all that He did to prepare the church to be ready for Him (Ephesians 5:27).
I'd like to bring attention to the fact that I repeated the word intentional in this post in regard to a man's pursuit of a woman. Far too often, ladies, we enter into relationships giving everything we have to a man in hopes that he will see the great qualities about us without him EVER stating his intentions towards us. Jesus intentionally laid down His life in His pursuit of us. Every single action He put forth was proof of His love for us and how seriously passionate that love is. Don't be blinded by loneliness! The man that gets you should be the man who has sought God's permission to find your heart. Keep allowing God to mold you into a Proverbs 31 kind of wife until that man comes so that you will be ready to follow his lead and trust his guidance.
I'd like to take a brief pause to share my new thoughts on love and relationship: If a man is not intentionally pursuing me to lead me more and more to Christ and nurture me to be his wife, then he doesn't need my number, and we don't need to go out because I don't need anymore male friends. I am waiting on the man who has sought God for a wife to be my husband.
Men, Godly women understand that in order for you to pursue us, we have to show that we are willing to respond to your leadership. We also know that you want to be wanted by us. Know that if a woman is responding positively and absolutely to your active and consistent pursuit of her, she has chosen to seek God about letting you be the man to lead and guide her in life. Don't let her get away because you refuse to clearly understand the importance of your pursuit of her. If you are truly not ready to actively pursue a Godly woman, then don't initiate a relationship at all.
Trust me, this single life is a daily processing of thoughts as they relate to love, relationships and what God wants out of me while I am in this place. While it does sometimes get lonely and seem that 'single' will always be my status, I refuse to be swayed from my mindset about being actively pursued by a man. God pursues me every day in ways that challenge me, in ways that lead me closer to Him, in ways that nurture me, in ways that show He is in love with me and in ways that make me fall more in love with Him.
Because of God's intentional pursuit of me, I truly have no other way to respond but by submitting to Him, trusting Him, following His guidance and being in love with Him. I realize that if the God of the universe pursues me, I am worthy of a man doing the same. I know that as a Godly man pursues me, I will respond in a way that all of his efforts deserve. Until then I'll stand still and be more than satisfied with the Ultimate pursuit of me. God's pursuit of me.