"He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever.” ~Revelation 21:4
I sat in that chair as she read the words I had written in a letter she assigned me to write. The letter gave a small glimpse into my life from childhood to where I was at the time my sessions with her started. As she read the letter out loud my heart was filled with shame and guilt.
I remembered asking God "How did I get here?"
How did I get here in this place where many of my decisions led to heartbreak and shame? I was hurt and lost and needed answers. As my therapist read the letter I had written describing my life I was shown some things that I knew but tried to forget.
When I was abandoned by the only male that it mattered to have in my life as a child I was left feeling void and longing for the love of a man who would never leave me, so I knew that when I grew into a woman I would do whatever it took to keep another man from walking away. When I was sexually abused at the hands of those I trusted I was taught to give my body away freely so it would never again be taken by force. My thought process at an early age was that men don't stay or they stay as long as you are giving them a reason to stay or men take what they want and then leave. These thoughts would become my truths throughout my young adult and adult life.
The feeling of abandonment, the sexual abuse as a young girl and the rape at 19 left me so scarred and so confused. I searched for love in relationship after relationship only to encounter heartbreak after heartbreak (I caused a few of those, too). I was determined to fill the void that left me feeling empty, even if this search led me down the path of promiscuity.
Eventually, I grew tired and weary and realized that none of the choices I was making were filling the void in my heart. They were only causing my heart to carry more weight. The heavy, burdensome weight of guilt and shame.
It took a little while, but I decided to take a journey back into my past so that I could face it and allow God to heal me so that I could walk in the redemptive freedom Christ intended for me.
Once I did this I felt the presence of God permeate every part of my being. My heart, my mind, my body and my soul were all touched by the Spirit of God in a way that left me awestruck. I felt like the woman with the issue of blood who was instantly healed after touching the robe of Jesus (Luke 8:43-44). God ministered to me that He had always been there and that He would always be a Father who would never leave me (Deut. 31:6). I was so amazed that through His loving grace God had taken the mess that was my life and turned it into a beautiful story (61:3).
When we are making decisions in our lives that cause destructive behavior we have to know there is a root cause. Sometimes to end the destructive behavior we have to take a journey into our pasts to face those demons AND acknowledge the way they effected our minds and hearts.
Take those hurts to God and allow Him to heal you from your past so you can be delivered in your present to live a life of freedom in your future. You will no longer ask God the question "How did I get here?" with a spirit of regret and shame. Instead, with a spirit of gratefulness at how God's grace brought you to a place of peace, after all you have been through and after all you have done, you will ask Him in amazement "HOW DID I GET HERE?"
I remembered asking God "How did I get here?"
How did I get here in this place where many of my decisions led to heartbreak and shame? I was hurt and lost and needed answers. As my therapist read the letter I had written describing my life I was shown some things that I knew but tried to forget.
When I was abandoned by the only male that it mattered to have in my life as a child I was left feeling void and longing for the love of a man who would never leave me, so I knew that when I grew into a woman I would do whatever it took to keep another man from walking away. When I was sexually abused at the hands of those I trusted I was taught to give my body away freely so it would never again be taken by force. My thought process at an early age was that men don't stay or they stay as long as you are giving them a reason to stay or men take what they want and then leave. These thoughts would become my truths throughout my young adult and adult life.
The feeling of abandonment, the sexual abuse as a young girl and the rape at 19 left me so scarred and so confused. I searched for love in relationship after relationship only to encounter heartbreak after heartbreak (I caused a few of those, too). I was determined to fill the void that left me feeling empty, even if this search led me down the path of promiscuity.
Eventually, I grew tired and weary and realized that none of the choices I was making were filling the void in my heart. They were only causing my heart to carry more weight. The heavy, burdensome weight of guilt and shame.
It took a little while, but I decided to take a journey back into my past so that I could face it and allow God to heal me so that I could walk in the redemptive freedom Christ intended for me.
Once I did this I felt the presence of God permeate every part of my being. My heart, my mind, my body and my soul were all touched by the Spirit of God in a way that left me awestruck. I felt like the woman with the issue of blood who was instantly healed after touching the robe of Jesus (Luke 8:43-44). God ministered to me that He had always been there and that He would always be a Father who would never leave me (Deut. 31:6). I was so amazed that through His loving grace God had taken the mess that was my life and turned it into a beautiful story (61:3).
When we are making decisions in our lives that cause destructive behavior we have to know there is a root cause. Sometimes to end the destructive behavior we have to take a journey into our pasts to face those demons AND acknowledge the way they effected our minds and hearts.
Take those hurts to God and allow Him to heal you from your past so you can be delivered in your present to live a life of freedom in your future. You will no longer ask God the question "How did I get here?" with a spirit of regret and shame. Instead, with a spirit of gratefulness at how God's grace brought you to a place of peace, after all you have been through and after all you have done, you will ask Him in amazement "HOW DID I GET HERE?"